Reflection

It is very hard to swallow the fact that for as long as you can admit in being control of your own life, apart from your parents nurturing and care taking, that you were not in control at all. Its even more difficult to move from that state into a state of self-awareness, humility, and to find the strength to proceed with your life’s journey.

So many mistakes, so many missed opportunities, so many lives affected by the decisions I made in this arrogant state. Where do I begin to continue. I don’t have a starting or ending point. For the first time in my life I don’t have an answer, don’t know where to get the answer, can’t cheat, can’t search the Internet, I have no reference at all. I do not know who this person was I portrayed. Seeming so real at times, I don’t even know my true character. Am I as strong as I portrayed, or am I equally or greater a weakling? So many doubts, so many questions, I feel like an infant in a conscious adult state. I know a character trait that is real, and very easy to flow, and that is writing. I have to find a focus on this situation, all that I thought I was living for (my children) was all a phausaud. Not saying that the journey thus far was a complete waste. Just that the main struggle and its purpose was not fully paid attention to. I never blinked at hard times, I always knew everything happens for a reason, I just did not engage struggles true purpose. Once the hard time had passed I thought I had accomplished defeat, not knowing the same struggle was right around the corner, just wearing a different hat. By not paying close attention I didn’t recognize the disguised dilemma. And proceeded to engage it as struggle (which is necessary, I thought) to prosper. What a Fool, what a Fool, what a Fool.

Identification of such an ordeal is not an easy pill for anyone to swallow. Getting it down is the hard part. Knowing now that I can make my struggle mean something is my motivation. Visiting once again familiar paths, I am more aware and conscious, even when it seems I am not. Striving now to enhance this experience so that it will make a progressive change and difference in my life and to the lives that are affected by my existence. I am determined to accomplish this task. Struggle has never been a burden for me, recognizing its true meaning was my dilemma.
So the journey begins, again. The beginning is the end, the end is the beginning